One of the most important learning skills children need is the ability to be responsible for their own learning. Yet it is the one thing which most parents think their children cannot do.
I have met very few children who are incapable of taking responsibility for their learning. Children like to be independent and soon learn that with independence comes some form of responsibility. They might not always act responsibly, but that does not mean they cannot be responsible if given the chance.
Those last words are the important ones for you to remember – if given the chance!
Too often parents, concerned about their child’s education, do not give their children the chance to be responsible for their own actions. They try to intervene to make sure that work is getting finished or to make sure that the child is actually working in her room, not playing computer games.
Recently I worked with the family of a bright teenager who was not getting the grades he should have been getting. There were issues about how his learning style did not match the teaching style of the school he was in and there were also issues of responsibility. He did not seem to take any responsibility for his work. Homework was not completed on time, revision for exams did not get done, as far as his parents understood he did not seem to spend any time doing schoolwork.
I found it difficult to believe that this very bright boy was not willing to take responsibility for his own learning. I had a long phone conversation with him and was impressed by his ability to understand his problems and even to understand what he had to do to get the grades he needed.
We spoke about his parents’ perception that he was not doing any homework and he explained that he worked best between midnight and three in the morning!! (This often happens with teenagers and the school system is not geared up to handle this situation). He told me that he was doing the work – most of the time- but that his parents did not see him working and that they kept bugging him about getting his work done. Both he and his parents were obviously frustrated by the situation. Something had to change.
What changed was that his parents agreed to not ask his about his work and he agreed to get all his work done. After a couple of weeks i heard from his parents that he was working well and that they were trying hard not to question him about the work he was doing. They were allowing him to take responsibility for his learning and it was working!
So, here is a seven step process to help you do this.
1. Make sure that you child knows what work he has to do
2. Make sure that your child feels that he can do the work, and that he knows what to do if he finds that he can’t do the work.
3. Decide between you when he will do the work – some compromise will be needed here!
4. Work out when he will know that he has finished his work – does he need a check list of some kind?
5. Make sure there are no obstacles to him doing his work at the time stated (no sport schedules etc)
6. Remind him ONCE that he has work to do.
It is very important that you keep to this step, it would be better if you did not remind him at all but i think that might be too much to ask.
7. Then leave him alone!
Hold the quiet expectation that he will take responsibility for his work and get it finished but do not say, or do, anything about it.
If your child knows that this is the approach you are going to take and can be responsible for his own learning then you may have solved the problem.
If your child still does not take responsibility for his work then he probably does not know how to do this. You need to repeat the process with special emphasis on step 1.
Then you may need to take one more step -
If your child cannot do the work he is asked to do how can he be responsible for finishing it? Time to talk to the teacher.
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